Religion with a sense of humour and a feel good factor - Page 1
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Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
And some days you're the statue.


* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
Just in case you have to eat them.


* Always wear stuff that will make you look good
If you die in the middle of it.


* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
"Recalled" by their maker.


* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
It was probably worth it.


* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

This is special: * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.


* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.


* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.


* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.


* You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person.


* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.


*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have a good day and know that someone has thought about you today...I did ...


WHY GOD MADE MUMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
 
How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
 
What ingredients are mothers made of ?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.    
 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.    
 
What kind of little girl was your mum?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.    
 
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least £800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?    
 
Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.    
 
Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
 
What's the difference between mums & dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.    
 
What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.    
 
What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head


THE OLDER CROWD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
A distraught senior citizen 

phoned her doctor's office. 
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 
'that the medication 
you prescribed has to be taken 
for the rest of my life? ' 
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her . 

There was a moment of silence 
before the senior lady replied, 
'I'm wondering, then, 
just how serious is my condition 
because this prescription is marked 
'NO REFILLS'.'   
********************************* 
An older gentleman was 
on the operating table 
awaiting surgery 
and he insisted that his son, 
a renowned surgeon, 
perform the operation. 

As he was about to get the anesthesia, 
he asked to speak to his son. 
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
 

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best 
and just remember, if it doesn't go well, 
if something happens to me, 
your mother is going to come and 
live with you and your wife.'   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Aging: 
Eventually you will reach a point 
when you stop lying about your age 
and start bragging about it.
 
--------------------------------- 
The older we get, the fewer things 
seem worth waiting in line for. 
--------------------------------- 
  Some people 
try to turn back their odometers. 
Not me! 
I want people to know 'why' I look this way. 
I've traveled a long way 
and some of the roads weren't paved. 
******************** 
When you are dissatisfied 
and would like to go back to youth, 
think of Algebra.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
You know you are getting old when 
everything either dries up or leaks. 
-------------------------------

One of the many things 
no one tells you about aging 
is that it is such a nice change 
from being young. 
<><><><><><><><><> 
Ah, being young is beautiful, 

but being old is comfortable. 
<><><><><><><><><> 
First you forget names, 
then you forget faces. 
Then you forget to pull up your zipper. 
It's worse when 
you forget to pull it down. 
--------------------------------- 

Long ago 
when men cursed 
and beat the ground with sticks, 
it was called witchcraft... 

Today, it's called golf. 
********************* 
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, 

and Your hand over my mouth

7 Reasons NOT To Mess With Children

little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher
asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied,
'Then you ask him'


Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing
God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white..'

The little girl thought about this revelation
for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'


It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.



Actual Church signs form around the world
Click on any image to get a larger picture
Church_signs_Adam_Eve_Serpent

God Is In Control

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To:             YOU
Date:          TODAY
From:          GOD
Subject:      YOURSELF
Reference:  LIFE

This is God.  Today I will be handling all of your problems for you.  I do not need your help.  So, have a nice day.



P.S.  And remember... If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it yourself!  Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME.  All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

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Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.  Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

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If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

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Should you have a bad day at work, think of the man who has been out of work for years.

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Should you despair over a relationship gone bad, think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

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Should you grieve the passing of another weekend, think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

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Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance, think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

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Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror, think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

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Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

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Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities, remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

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Should you decide to send this to a friend, Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know! Now, you have a nice day.

Your God

 P.S. God has seen you struggling, God says it's over.

A blessing is coming your way.


Who is your role model?

Each of us is the result of the influence of many people.
However some individuals have played a significant role
in our development, They are often called "role models"
that we consciously or unconsciously imitate.
Perhaps you know who that person is, or perhaps you don't.

The world renowned Sir Trevoir Rigelsworth, Ph.D, has
given us a simple way to determine our role model.
It is easy and only takes a minute and it may surprise you.


 WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???* 
 
Be sure not to cheat! You don't want to skew your answer. 
Try this - it's really neat ... 
Don't look at the answers yet:

1) Pick your favourite number between 1-9 
 
2) Multiply by 3 then 
 
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (get a Calculator if you need one) 
 
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number..... 
 
5) Add the digits together to get your final number
 
  
Now Scroll down ............... 
 -

-

-

-

-
-

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Mother Teresa
4. Ghandi
5. Bill Gates
6. Mozart
7. Brad Pitt
8. Tiger Woods   
9. St Paul
10. Barack Obama

The answer will always be nine.
Why not "cut 'n' paste" this item and send to friends - changing the name at No 9 to.......... your own, perhaps?


Actual Church signs form around the world
Click on any image to get a larger picture
Church_signs_Adam_Eve_Serpent

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