with a sense of humour and a feel good factor - Page 7
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|Apologies for no "humour" this
week but I cannot access my Computer and my Mouse is missing.
Click here for picture
|One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing.
He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't
be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks
God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't
bump into anyone he knows.
The golf course is empty when he gets there.
So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away
and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you
let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Fishing requires patience!
The Rules of life
- "Anything is possible if you don't know what you are
- "A closed mouth gathers no feet."
- "The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act."
- "The most common cause of hearing loss amongst men is
a wife saying she wants to talk to him."
- The Theorem of the Bath - "When the body is fully immersed
in water, the telephone invariably rings."
- "The things that come to those who wait will be the things
left by those who got there first."
- "He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
- "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
- "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking
- "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
look bright until you hear them speak."
- "The man who thinks he knows it all, is a pain in the
neck to those of us who really do."
- "The reason we Scots fight so often among ourselves is
that we're always assured of having a worthy opponent."
- "When you go into court, you are putting yourself in
the hands of 15 people who weren't smart enough to get
out of jury duty." (Note that there are 15 jurors in Scotland,
- "When women see the first strand of grey hair they think
they are going to dye..."
- "The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing
face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug."
- "All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards
that causes all the problems."
- "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
- "At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
the aisle arrive last and during a critical time in the
- "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere."
- "Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you."
- "Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held
- "Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise
a mistake when you make it again."
- "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think."
- "In slow moving traffic, if you move to another lane
because it is moving faster, it always slows down and the
lane you were in speeds up."
- "Wisdom comes with age - but sometimes age comes alone."
- "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right - and the other person is a husband..."
- "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."
- "Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
- "Don't worry about what people think - they don't do
it very often."
- "Someone who thinks logically makes a nice contrast to
the real world."
- "You know when you're getting old when you wake up with
that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything
the night before."
- "The only way to keep healthy is to eat what you don't
want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather
not." (Although Mark Twain may have said it first).
- "The nicest thing about the future is that it
always starts tomorrow."
- "A good time to keep your mouth shut is when
you're in deep water."
- "Women and cats will do as they please, and men
and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- "Before you criticise someone, you should walk
a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise
them, you're a mile away - and you have their shoes..."
- "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead."
- "There is no vaccine against stupidity!"
- "A man with no sense of humour probably doesn't
have any sense at all."
- "Think about this ... No one ever says "It's
only a game" when his team is winning."
- "Never test the depth of the water with both
- "Women who think they are the equal of men lack
- "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted."
- "If at first you don't succeed - skydiving is
not for you."
- "No husband has ever been shot while doing the
- "Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity
is not thus handicapped."
- "A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument."
- "The best way to get a man to do something is
to suggest he's too old for it."
- "To be happy with a man you must understand him
a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a
woman you must love her a lot and don't expect
to understand her at all."
- "Any married man should forget his past mistakes
- there's no reason for two people to keep track
of the same things."
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