Religion with a sense of humour and a feel good factor - Page 6
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The Punter and the Priest

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing
his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo
and behold, that horse a very long shot, won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the horses
for the 5th race came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on
the forehead of one of them.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest
had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued
the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in
first. Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.. By the last
race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick
dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race
and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the
day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of
the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on
the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead
last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where
the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day
long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse
you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every
cent of my savings, all of it!"

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 

"Son", he said, "that's the problem with you atheists;
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and The Last Rites"

 04:05:06 07-08-09


I had a deep feeling that you just needed to know this.

The Car

A young boy had just received his drivering licence and asked his father
if they could discuss him useing the car.
His father said he would make a deal with his son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said.
"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed
that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you
didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said.
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long
hair, Moses had long hair. And there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long  hair."
To this his father replied,
"And, Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"


Dear Lord,

Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:

"God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me".

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer, too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you.
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits 'send'.
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to


A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.
      The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
      The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
      Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to
have the two as close together as possible.                   -- George Burns

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to
church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
      Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"

Puppy Love
Dear God

Where can I buy one?
Hot food

Children's Science Exam

 If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers... 

Q: Name the four seasons. 
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. 

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand,
dead sheep and canoeists. 

Q: How is dew formed? 

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
 (Brilliant, love this!) 
A: Keep it in the cow. 

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? 

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards
the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight. 
Q: What are steroids? 
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age? 

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.. 

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. 

A:  Premature death

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen) 

A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
    The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. 

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie. 

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...) 

A:  Nearby. 

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.' 

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .  

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?' 

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight


Bible Questions and Answers

Q:  Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?
A:  When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q:  What man in the Bible had no parents?
A:  Joshua, the sun of Nun.

Q:  Who is the smallest man in the Bible?
A:  Some people believe it was Zacchaeus. Others believe it
       was Nehemiah, or Bildad the Shuhite. But in reality is was
       Peter the disciple -- he slept on his watch.

Q:  When was baseball mentioned in the Bible?
A:  When Rebecca walked to the well with a pitcher.

Q:  Why didn't they play cards on Noah's ark?
A:  Because Noah sat on the deck.

Q:  How did Jonah feel when the great fish swallowed him?
A:  Down in the mouth.

Q:  When is high finances mentioned in the Bible?
A:  When Pharaoh's daughter took a little prophet from
      the bulrushes.

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