Religion with a sense of humour and a feel good factor - Page 10
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THE GOLDEN TELEPHONE

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.


On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan , New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone.

He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, my son - it's a local call'.

HAVE A GOOD LAUGH WITH THIS. 

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? 
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) 

Grandparents are a lady and a  man who have no little children of their own.
They like other people's.
 

A grandfather is a man & a Grandmother is a lady! 

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
 

When they take us for walks, 
They slow down past things like pretty leaves and Caterpillars.   

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers
and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
 

They don't say, 'Hurry Up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. 

They wear glasses and funny underwear. 

They can take their teeth and gums out. 

Grandparents don't have to be smart. 

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?'
and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. 

They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.  

Everybody should try to have a grandmother,
especially if  you don't have television because they are
the only 
Grownups who like to spend time with us. 

They know we should have snack time 
before bedtime and they say prayers with us 
And kiss us even when we've acted bad. 

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.. 
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT,
AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. 
THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT,
WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA 

IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH!
HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET
TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
 

It's funny when they bend over,
you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
 

Have a Great Day!!


Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood’s
“Best Decorated House” contest, due to my bad attitude!

Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood’s “Best Decorated House” contest, due to my bad attitude!



The Wooden Bowl 

Animation Autumn leaves falling old man on park bench

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow,
a week from now, a month from now, a
year from now. 

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year
-old grandson. 
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered 

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and 
Failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. 
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. 

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 
'We must do something about father,' said the son.
 
'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.' 

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
 
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. 
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. 

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
 
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. 

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
 

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
 
He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 
'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up'. 
The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. 

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. 

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.
 
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family.
And for some reason,
  neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer
when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. 

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today,
life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. 

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
 
A rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. 

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life..' 

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. 

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw
 something back sometimes. 

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you 
But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, 
Your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you 

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. 

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. 

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. 

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. 

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn


The Sinner


There was a Scottish painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. 

Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
 

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. 

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: 

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..



(You're going to love this) 













"Repaint!       Repaint!

And thin no more!"
.....................


The Secret of the Monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


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The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


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The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



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The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.


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That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


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The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,


We can't tell you. You're not a monk.



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The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.


If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

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The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


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The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


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The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.


We shall now show you the way to the sound.



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The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



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The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, May I have the key?


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The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


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Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. Theman requests the key to the stone door.


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The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


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>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.


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Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.


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The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


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But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


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DON'T SHOUT AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!


Baby
KIDS IN CHURCH 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

3-year-old Reese : 
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, 
Harold is His name. 
Amen.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A little boy was overheard praying: 
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. 
I'm having a real good time like I am.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

After the christening of his baby brother in church, 
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. 
His father asked him three times what was wrong. 
Finally, the boy replied, 
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, 
And I wanted to stay with you guys.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

One particular four-year-old prayed, 
'And forgive us our trash baskets 
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they 
Were on the way to church service, 
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' 
One bright little girl replied, 
'Because people are sleeping.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. 
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' 
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 
' Ryan , you be Jesus !' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A father was at the beach with his children 
When the four-year-old son ran up to him, 
Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore 
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand.. 
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. 
The boy thought a moment and then said, 
'Did God throw him back down?' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A wife invited some people to dinner. 
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 
'Would you like to say the blessing?' 
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. 
The daughter bowed her head and said, 
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Real questions with real Answers

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think  Cambridge   University  is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
 

BBC  NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
 
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know..
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.
 
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
 
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
 
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
 
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
 
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ( MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ..
Richard:
He makes bread . ..
Contestant:
Er .. .....
Richard:
He makes cakes . ..
Contestant:
Kipling Street?
 
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
 
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.
 
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
 
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
 
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?
 
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
 
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
 
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... .... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:
Walked?
 
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
 
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.
 
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus


Poor composition or what?


Click for: Joke of the Year 2009 as voted for by men

Three Elderly Sisters
       Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
       The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
       The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.


A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said:
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"
      As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


What's in a name?

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy.  Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through to their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, one of the two would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.

In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.........


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